Ileostomy: What NOT to eat, ever, and WTF about Blockages

You got an Ileostomy. Bitch. Moan. Get over it. I loved steak too, but there's some shit we can just never have again with an ileo. You can test it if you want to spend a day or more in the hospital, and one woman I've known had a blockage for 5--FIVE--weeks!!! She was in the hospital on TPN because of that little stunt, care of corn or maybe it was pineapples...
Anyway, if you care about not having horrible stabbing pains in your gut, here's a list gathered from around the Internet and from friends, compiled entirely here.

                                                 WHAT YOU CANNOT EAT:

     *Oatmeal/porridge

 *Be CAREFUL eating pasta!!! (My suggestion is to grind that shit up)*Bananas thicken your output, so if you have trouble with output like me, avoid those fuckers
*Same goes for smooth Peanut butter, but hell no you can't have crunchy anyway 

*Chinese vegetables such as bean sprouts and bamboo shoots (they suck anyway)
*Citrus of any kind, like oranges, fruits with membranes attached    *Cereal     *Raw vegetables--carrots etc    *Berries, although I know exactly one person who could eat a handful of blueberries and it was fine with their ileo
*Nuts     *Corn      *Popcorn     *Fibre (After a life-time of fibre-only diets, I say "Fuck You, Fibre!!!")
*Potatoe skin       *cucumbers and tomatos

*Raisons      *Grapes (any fruit or veggie with a peel like)--> *Apple skins
*Celery    *Wild rice      *Pineapple     *cauliflower/ broccoli, unless it's been cooked to hell and back
*mushrooms     *Lettuce    *Coleslaw   *Milk products or creamed foods slow the emptying of the stomach, promoting vomiting, and may be poorly absorbed, so avoid if you want
*Raw cabbage      *Green peppers     *Peas--(eh, fuck peas. Who needs em.)
*Dried fruit      *Absolutely no motherfucking seeds ever
*Celery        *Coconut

I'm reminded of that scene in Requiem for a Dream where the mother is looking at her diet plan, and all she sees is NO NO NO. That's basically going to be your life, but it slightly beats death, right?

Anyway, say you've been a good little bee but you still get blockages because you probably have adhesions or you need to be dilated or something. What the fuck do you do? Here's some tips before you go crawling to the ER:

   1. STOP FUCKING EATING. Seriously. Nothing else should pass your lips but lops of warm fluids.

   2.  massage the fuck out of the area around the stoma. I do this anyway just to get my watery mashed-potatoes to pass because fuck knows what's wrong with me.

  3. Try a hot bath, I haven't 

  4. Use a heating pad over your abdomen.

   After a period of time, the blockage will either be passed or you're fucked. Symptoms increase when you become totally obstructed. Cramps become more severe, nausea becomes more severe, and your barf your brains out. 
          

If you need to go to the ER, here's a great dealy thing from the United Ostomy Associations of America to print-off for the retarded ER workers that scrunch their noses up at stomas and scratch their heads in oblivious confusion:

http://www.ostomy.org/ostomy_info/pubs/blockage_card.pdf