Sunday, October 4, 2015

Urinary shit

So now my bladder isn't working right and i have an indwelling catheter attached to my leg like above. The line looks like it's coming out of my illeostomy bag, but really it is supposed to be shown coming out of my urethra. The bag of piss is attached to my shin, the lines to it strapped down to my leg. I have been taking Seroquel, Roserum, and Divalproex to sleep. Divalproex is known to create anticholinergic effectwhich totally fucked up my bladder.

I once saw a porn where a man had a woman insert a glass tube up his urethra. Either by accident or some form of spiritual intervention, the glass rod broke and the man was screaming in pain before the image cut out to black. That's pretty much what it feels like to have a tube shoved up your urethra, and the same sensation while it is being yanked out.
 I had enough bag trouble with my illeostomy and then to have yet another bag on my body? No thanks.

So after two days, I returned from the Urologist and he took my catheter out. I didn't scream like the man in the video, but I felt like it... I only made a small roar of pain, I'm glad to announce.

Having two bags at once is a little much. I mean, it's not the end of the world. I could have so many more problems in my life that I'm glad to be able to walk on my own, to breathe, to speak, to hear, and my hands... to be able to create.  Even in pain as I was, I reminded myself I didn't have cerebral palsy, or MS, or a million other conditions that would have seriously fucked up my awesome.
So I went through it. I grabbed my awesome back when they took out the bag, and I'm not gonna stop. I feel shitty about myself most of the time, but I have to remind myself about my good qualities, things that make me happy (kinda), and things that I am proud of.
So I dont have success in the eyes of the world right now, but I will someday. I am a hard worker, and I beleive in myself.

Wow. This changed the tone of this post a lot. Sorry for that :P

Monday, September 28, 2015

Divorced and Single

 So the time has come. for years it was draining from a pond into a swamp, one that i was drowning in.
I finally got a divorce, thanks to pro bono working attorneys. This also means i have no idea if it is finished or not,  but we think it is. :/

I wasn't protected by the person that was supposed to love me. I was hurt physically and notionally, and once was taken advantage of sexually when i wasn't in a state to accept it.he gossiped to his parents about me, he didn't want to hug me, my mom paid for his grad school and he never so much as wrote her a thank you note. He took money from both me and my mom and bought expensive stupid supplies with it. I wasn't important enough for him to stand up for me, especially since his parents had hated me all along, it was easier for him to fall back into the habit of being under their wings at the age of 30. 
The last two years of our time together, I was self medicating and drinking far too much to dull the deep bleeding ache I felt.
It's just like that Sia song, Elastic Heart. There were so many red flags, and i discarded them. It's hard to lose a chosen one, the one you thought you would spend your life with.

On top of all that, the pain of him pulling away, refusing to hug me, then refusing to kiss me--  it came to a point that we had gone so long without sleeping in the same bed or even in the same room that it was normal.
Seeing each other again was like seeing a ghost of the love we once had, and how ruined it was now, just a husk, just a mutilated thing that now was so wrapped up with hatred and hurt and betrayal that our meeting last fall as he took the remainder of his things away to his parent's house was a cold one indeed.
Why do you hate me? I did nothing so horrible to you, I used to think, before I convinced himself we were both holding the dagger stabbed into the other's back.

The thing is, you never think it's going to be your last.
The last time you had sex. The last time you held and kissed them. The last time you felt their body pressing against yours and the nearness of them dizzied you with love. The last time you'd told each other you loved them. You didn't think at that time, warm seasons ago, when you lay in the lake together, balancing your hands on each other shoulders while kissing his wet hair that this would be it. And never again.
Running out at night under the stars in the fields, collapsing together, out of breath, watching the sky as the moon climbed high in the sky.
On top of the roof of an old shack, bright lights falling from the sky in a shower of comets. The feeling of elation in your heart, and that comforting notion that never again would you have to search for a mate—because you found it in them.
I've always been a person highly aware of the present and the now not being forever. More often the good than not. I've always been over sensitive to that whatever niceness was going on, it would all be brutally cut short one day.

But still, somewhere around where my heart lies is s a fleeting moment of love, like a spark that quickly lit and then went out. Was it even love anymore? It must be, because though this was our new normal, I still remember what it tasted like to kiss his entire body. I remembered the rain that came down on the first night we made love, and how afterwards, both I and Him had gone out in it, me with my arms wide as I twirled, eyes closed and that lingering smile on my face. I remember the joy. I remembered how we both had protected each other emotionally, physically...
Once you loved me so much...