Monday, December 12, 2011

Getting Pubes in your Wafer

To de-Pube, or Not to de-Pube

When I first began dating Mr B, it was summertime. I hadn't been swimming in years, but I thought with Mr B's backyard pool, maybe he would invite me in for a dip, yes?
Shaving the naughty bits usually results in pimple-bumps, so I took my elder sister's sage advice to wax. I bought some little strips at the store, soaked in a warm tub for a while, then tried it out. I would be sexy as hell, seductively slinking around in my bikini... yeah. I'd drop my towel and bend over to get it, showing him that shaved pussy encased in a filmy little thong.
My plan= the most awesomest ever.
I smoothed the strip down over my bikini lines--just to try it out before I went any further. Then, steeling myself for a moment of hurt, I yanked them off.

If I had multiplied that moment by a thousand and thought of "hurt" as "ovary-shattering-pain" I would have had a more accurate idea of just what I was getting myself into. And it's not that I have a low tollerance to pain. I have been through 13 surgeries and had my jaw broken on my birthday when I was a young lass of 20. But ripping out the hair near/around/on my genetalia tops the list of unpleasent experiences I'd rather not twice encounter.

Blood immidiately rushed to the surface of my skin-- I was delighted to see as I stood crouched there with the hairy strips still grasped in my trembling hands. I tossed the strips aside, and, reaching for a handful of toilet paper to quell the blood, slipped in the tub and banged my side, back and left boob into the shower door.
I made a quick assesment of my injuries--none fatal, but AGGHHHHH! My crotch was still bleeding!!!!
The pain! It just went on and on! I pushed around through my medicine cabinet until I found the tea-tree oil and splattered that on, spilling a generous amount on the counter in my haste. But it still fucking HURT. DEAR CHRIST IN HEAVEN, WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES!? I made a frantic dash for the freezer and held ice cubes to my burning loins.
But... it was still okay. I was salvageable. I could still be sexy, right?
Of course I had to do this last minute, and the doorbell rang.
It was Mr B.
I could see his shadow through the glass.
For fuck's sake. Why.

 I think I shouted some garbled mess as him, and he took that to mean "Hey, come on it! Open the door and just hang around!"
So the door began to open. I shit you not, I watched that handle wiggle and the door creek open like it was a horror movie. I felt like I was going to puke.
Naked, dripped a mixture of water and blood, I limped/hopped back to the bathroom still clutching ice cubes to my crotch.

He said something that I couldn't really hear through the door, but it was to the effect that he was excited to see me in my new bathing suit.

When I came back out, my smile was really more of a grimace. I gingerly walked around and he admired me. And my new bikini.
      Mr B: "What's that on the floor?"
You like my Micro paint drawing? Done on a track pad. So awesome.
Fuck. The drops of bloody water. Leading to the bathroom like a betraying trail of misery.
      Me: "Oh that's just a thing. Hey, it's not going to rain today, is it?"
I attempted the sexy, posing with my leg stiffly crooked on the couch, every movement one of wooden-doll-like stiffness. I snapped the back of my thong and winked at him. "I'm ready for you baby. It's alllll smoooth."
       Mr B: "What's that sticking out of your thong?"
Fuck. Toilet paper.

I am actually getting somewhere with this. I only recalled the above incident after I had yet another waxing-like experience with the sticky wafer on my ileostomy bag. The wafer is circular, and is generally placed on your lower right side around/over the stoma.
My bags have the wafer attatched, and with the attached wafer, I've never had leakage like I've had with two-piece bags. One-piece bags FTW.
Anyway, I've found what works for me, for not giving yourself that nasty hair-pulling expereince, is that I gently shave over that area. There are little hairs on our abdomens that also get pulled when you change your bag/wafer. If you lightly shave the area where the wafer goes (and trim the top of your pudenal bush, if you have one) you will find yourself in much less misery.

I have the rare good fortune that Mr B--finally told me after the fact--likes and nay, prefers pubic hair on women. We're not talknig about umbleweeds, but definately not full Brazillion anyway. I don't want ot get into pulling apart the idea of Brazilion waxes as tryign ot encourage men toward pedophilia or anything like that, because some really do swear that the smoother it is, the more sensations you have with sexual encounters. others like to run their fingers through hair, or feel it tickling their balls. Whatever floats your boat--or in this case, juices your pickle.
Just remember to trim those loose little guys up at the top and shave a bit around the wafer and you should be good.

4 comments:

  1. I actually managed to wax about 10 times before the pain caught up with me. Then one day I just *couldn't* pull the strip off and had to have my husband come do it for me (he waxed me a few times after that-- I could handle having it done-- just couldn't make myself pull the thing off!)

    That was a long time ago though-- eventually I couldn't stand to have it done to me either. No wax for me. Occasionally I'll shave, but not even that too often. I'm lazy and don't like to be itchy!

    But I totally get you on the wax-like-ness of wafer removal! It's only happened twice, but when those hairs get caught-- OWW! Unfortunately, my skin is so sensitive that shaving would be worse than the occasional hair that has to get yanked. That and my pain tolerance is MUCH higher than my skin's tolerance for stuff rubbing on it. (You shoulda seen me at the allergist getting skin testing done today-- what a MESS-- and yet no true positives...)

    Anyway, I just have to suffer through a few yanked hairs. Maybe this is a good thing about the surgeon missing high though-- the wafer is above the bush, so I only have to deal with the very edge hairs. Gotta look for the silver lining, right?

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  2. Me too with the waxing ladies! We have enough pain & discomfort to contend with, who would choose to add to the load?!

    I do minimal bikini line pruning too; lightly shaving in the direction of the hairs growth - not towards the roots which for me tends to cause ingrown hairs - & I then apply chemical free aloe vera gel.

    Fortunately here in Aus. its quite the norm to wear boardies & rashies(board shorts & surfer rashguard vests) for sun protection reasons. OMG I LIVE in my boardies over bathers or with rashies when in & around our pool, camping & at the beach. Now this attire has the delightful side benefit of conveniently covering EVERYTHING; stray pubes, veins, cellulite (& stoma bags too! Yay!) ;)

    P.S: Thanks for the highly amusing recounting of your waxing episode! <3

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  3. P.P.S: BTW, I agree, 1 piece bags with inbuilt seals/wafers totally rock! (Mine was also of the manually pliable-to-stoma-size variety - no need to cut! Just awesome.)

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  4. Nice Blog, Thanks for sharing. People who find it really difficult to live life normally after Ostomy may also take help from the Ostomy bag that you can wear inside your cloths so that you can wear the dresses of your own choice without any tension.
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