A rant about the "normals" that don't understand

An issue recently has been brought up to me on Facebook, and I feel very strongly about it,  and i know other people with Ulceritive Colitus, Crones, and other Intestinal disorders can surely agree.

The issue is when people ask you, in a semi-polite, rarely actually curious way "What are you doing now with your life?"
This can come from old teachers to classmates to friends to etc etc, but it still is touchy either way.
Right now in this economy, even given good education and good health--guess what's happening? Don't be a douchebag. Look at Salon.com, look at CNN, look at BBC for news. No one's got fucking jobs, asshole. That's why the economy is tanking, along with a billion other things, so don't judge all of us who can't even find work at a McDonalds.

Secondly, and most importantly, whether the "normals" understand it or not, battling a Chronic illness, at most times, is nearly a full-time job. You think of us as lazy, maybe you think we just lie around watching soap-opera's all day. To this notion, I give a hearty FUCK YOU IN THE FACE. ------>

 

The anguish of just trying to nibble food and then having to run to the bathroom throughout the day because of it, because of your condition, is heartbreaking. Curling up on the floor in pain, weeping because it seems the stabbing in your guts will never stop, wishing yourself into death because of it--This is no life. This is just anguished continuing suffering. If everyone "normal" could remember back to the time they had the flu maybe, or when they ate someting horrible: well, it's like that 24-7 times 1,000. Every. Single. Goddamned. Day for people trying to battle this shit. And surgery? It fixes some things--even alot! Don't get me wrong! But afterward, your life isn't magically changed into a "normal" person's life.

My friend is a First Lieutenant in the army, and every summer he vists me. So summer 2010, he took me out in his car, saying we were going dancing. Nope. We went to his friend's house, where I met this tall deep-voiced shy young man with a scruffy beard and an Austrian accent, and... and I had to meet his mom. It was fine, randomly having a parent crash the party of three young kids getting-together, but she kept grilling me about why I wasn't in this or that University, why I was a failure for not having this or that job, and didn't really like that I told her I finished most of my University classes in accelerated courses while I was still in High school, and, in fact, graduated from my Prep School a year early because of my grades. (I had a disease that kept me out of sports and parties and extracurricular activities of all kinds. Of course I studied hard. It was all I had :( :(
In front of my Lieutenant friend and this new tall boy, she kept grilling and grilling me embarrassingly, not caring that I was obviously uncomfortable with the questions, just wanting to shame me for not going the path she thought everyone should go out of tradition.

If I had known her better, I would have turned to her and been like "Hey lady? Guess what. I've struggled with a birth defect my entire life that has left me basically incapacitated for over 15 or 19 years. Sound Fun? I've been going to hospitals once a month since I was 9. For surgeries, for adjustments on my TLSO back-brace, for tests, for cultures, for god knows how many things. I've spent weeks at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN, where they starved me for a month on nothing but clear liquids so they could run a damaging banister of tests on me. My heart stopped. I went into cardiac arrest when I was 18 after all these tests. I was lucky to survive, but I'm still not okay. I have to take medication for my heart every day. I can barely eat anything I want. I still struggle with just daily living that you take entirely for granted. So yeah--I don't have a job right now. I'm not at a University. And yeah! I'd be lucky to just live like a bum even--maybe they aren't in constant agonising pain that drives you to think the only solution is suicide. So FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU IN THE FACE, AND FUCK YOU IN THE HOLE I'M GOING TO POUND THROUGH YOUR CHEST IN MY FEROCIOUS ANGER."

Go ahead and judge me, cunt. Just go ahead.

Anyway, this bitch became my mother in law, as I married the soft-spoken kind tall man, but she never once stopped judging the shit out of me. She works in the health-care field too, so you'd think she'd be a little more sensitive, but no. Every single chance she'd gotten, she's told her son, my hubby, to get away from me, that I was just a sickly piece of crap that would drag him down, that with my illness, I was worthless, that I would never provide her with grandchildren that I would never be able to hold a job, and so much more, over and over, where even the father, when I told them we were getting married, he was so disgusted he even mimed that he was going to vomit.
My hubby's family is so unlike him, it's amazing he came from them, but they have truly and honestly hated me from day one, and even more so once they found out how ill I was. Even through my surgeries, they kept trying to get my Mr B to leave me, to just walk out the hospital room where I was, to just leave and never come back.

To this, I say: I am not worthless. I have many talents, I have a big heart, I have a lot of love to give that obviously you lack you cunt asshole. I am a human being. I am a daughter, a wife, a sister, a writer, a musician, a singer, an artist, an animal protector and love-love-lover!!, I am so many things that your puny mind couldn't even conceive the wealth of all the love I have to give.
Now I can talk a lot of shit in writing, sure, but I'm actually pretty soft-spoken myself, and I don't say hurtful things to other people. I just don't. I haven't acted like a good Buddhist in my writing. It's angry and full of cuss-words many times, but I know in person, these people that ask you thinks that hurt your feelings, or people that even outright mock you for your conditon, they are just confused, they are just saying things offhandedly without really "thinking" about it. Sometimes they are scared, too. Sometimes they feel like they can't handle the seriousness of what has happened to you. Sometimes they feel dumb that they don't understand.
So to these idiots, to these small-minded dumb superficial people, just shrug. Give your response with a flightly smile. Pretend you don't care. Say "Oh you know, just hanging around" "Just surviving" or change the subject quick to the weather. If they keep pressing on, just keep telling them, "Oh odd-jobs here and there" "Just doing what I can to get by" and try not to talk about your illness at all, if you can, as it just confuses the tiny little rat-people.

I'm sorry for the rant, but i have lived with these questions so much for so long, and though I have mostly gotten good at giving vague-passing answers, sometimes I still get angry at them.

How do YOU deal with these kinds of questions??

Nutrition after Ileostomy

The very end of your small intestine, that little ilieum place right before the large intestine is where B12 is absorbed. For ileostomates, that little hook of intestines is folded back and sewn onto their abdomens, making the absorption impossible.
People with low B12 are also much more prone to develop chronic shit like heart disease, fibromyalgia--which is where like your entire body is a cut-glass assembly of horrible pain-- and the dreaded cancer.
B12 is essential for blood to form and tissues to grow. The reason why you're fatigued with B12 deficiency is because it helps fat and protein to metabolize in your body. When that happens--bam! Energy! When it doesn't, you're tired as shit.
B12 also reduces homocystein levels, which, if it's all elevated and shit in your body, ya'll can develop cancer, cardiovascular disease, Parkinson's and wham you with a stroke, not to mention you'll forget everything except for your shitty childhood when you get Alzheimer's. :(

For Norms--people without ileostomies, B12 can come in poultry, oysters /seafood, Eggs, milk and meat. For those with ileos like me, all meats are hard to digest, no matter how many times you grind them up in a baby grinder. I can eat a little bit of eggs, but not nearly any seafood I can think of, though I take a multivitamin a day to keep me active.
B12 deficiency is classified as

*mental confusion
*headaches
*paranoia
*Depression
*balance is waaay off
*Kinda feel foggy and floating and weird as shit
*you can lose your appetite, and maybe even barf
*You're super weak, and can't really do a lot before you suddenly feel super exhausted like an old person

I went to my primary and had my blood levels drawn, and after speaking with him about my deficiency, he decided to give me a shot of B12 once a month as well as me taking a B21 supplement sublingual (under the tongue) from Wallgreens. I fill up the eyedropper top, and squirt it under my tongue, where I let it sit and absorb for a minute, then I swallow it. Doesn't taste too bad.

But this isn't just a post about B12. I also drink Ensure plus, Pecan flavoured, every day. Sometimes a bottle and a 1/2.

Whether you want to admit it or not, whether your nurses will ever tell you or not, your body WILL  be deficient of vitamins after you have an ileostomy. You MUST take supplements like multivitamins and for the ladies, probiotic pills---to make your Vag doesn't get any weird infections--in order to keep yourself running.

For the proper amount of calories, I recommend putting a little tablespoon of coconut butter in cocoa to drink. The coconut butter doesn't have any trans-fat or anything that would get clogged in your heart. I only recently came across this with my husband's insistence. It has no flavour, so it swims in a clear shimmer on the top of your cocoa, but it's not big deal to stir.

Every morning, I drink an 8 ounces glass of V8. It actually has become something I look foreward to, before I fry my pita-bread in olive oil with garlic and smear on cream cheese. It's delicious, and when I get  the pita bread to a crunchy crumbly fall-apart consistency, I can actually eat it. I get calories from the olive oil, get my carbs from the bread, and I get satisfaction spreading cream cheese on it and sprinkling that with garlic powder.

That brings me onto my next part: CALORIES.
Maybe before your ileo, it wasn't a problem getting too many calories, maybe it was just the opposite. Although alot of people with Ileostomies have no trouble at all eating whatever they want, there are a great deal more who, I've found out, are more like myself. With their severely restricted diets, it's quite a challenge to find foods they can actually digest that wont cause a blockage, and this often leads to body-weakening malnutrition.
You need to take multi-vitamins every day anyway, but I also recommend Omega-3 fats, like from Fish Oil. Because the gel capsules I'm too wary too attempted swallowing, I take a teaspoonful of liquid Fish Oil a day, something I found in the organic section of our Supermarket, although Heath Food stores should carry them too. Look online, maybe there's a nice little shop from where you can order them.
Anyway, Calories.

Olive oil
Virgin Olive oil I pretty much put with anything. Some people actually drink this stuff by itself. Gag. Puke. But it's one of the healthiest monounsaturated fats, regulates heart health and helps maintain your cholesterol.
As Olive oil is a monounsaturated fat, it helps insulin levels and blood sugar control.
It took a while to get used to the strong taste of the healthier cold-pressed version, but it really does benefit your health.
 I use a mask for my hair that includes olive oil, and restores shine to it once I rinse it out. I have an organic lotion where olive oil is a key component, so I rub it in tiny amounts onto the very dry patches on my face, namely my giant cheekbones.

Coconut Butter
I use this in cooking as a substitute for butter.
Coconut butter has medium-chain triglycerides, which also reduces cholesterol, heart disease, promotes calcium-absorption so y'all don't get osteoporosis, boots immunity with Lauric Oils and slows down aging. Damn, dude.
It is 120 Calories per tablespoon, but unfortunately, people tend to lose weight instead of gaining it while using this oil, as it stimulates the metabolism.
Still good stuff, in my world. I add it to tea, where is swims around all flavourless and clear at the top.


DehydrationBig-ass deal for a lot of folks with Ileos. Their squirter squirts a little too much a little too often. They always say "drink 6-8 glasses of shit a day", but for smaller kids, that's obviously a recipe for water-intoxication, and for much bigger people, that's not nearly enough! It's so stupid how they keep on doing this "one size fits all" for health care, especially in the very backwards-thinking US. Don't fit the machine until it breaks down entirely, is the mentality with health care here. I couldn't get get my permanent Ileostomy by my original Dr Asshole surgeon, because he said he "didn't care about quality of life" and that I'd need to have "a life-threatening emergency" in order for him to make it a permanent one.
Luckily, my second surgeon was from Sweden, and got it right away :)

Anyway, keep a bottle of juice or water with you at all times. Pedialite makes a powdered package of flavours you can pour into the water when you are beginning to feel fatigued, and they apparently also make freezer pops.

The symptoms of dehydration are as follows:

*Dry, sticky mouth
*Tired and sleepy as shit
*Decreased urine output
*Dry skin
*Headache
*Dizziness or lightheadedness
*Low blood pressure
*fainting and shit, dude

This is why I always keep a bottle of water/juice with me in the car, wherever I go. I also do that because I have trouble with my blood sugar, and it had gotten hella low in the past. I need to keep that up and keep my ileostomy digesting well.

To add more calories to my diet, I melt Promise Butter with my mashed taters and add garlic and pepper afterward, and also use vegetable oil for things I cook, or use olive oil. Ensure is also one of the best things keeping me alive. I drink it throughout the day. It is good for you, and if insurance covers it---whee!

I also take a powder called "Mus L Blast"
I know I linked to a scary body-building website, but shut up. It's actually super healthy for you, with fuck tons of amino acids and vitamins and shit. I have been taking this powder in milk since I was 12 years old, trying to gain weight to please the people around me who never let me forget that being skinny was hideous.

Let's see... what haven't I covered? 

If you can think of anything else I should add, please let me know!!

<3 Tinylittlelifeform

Disclaimer:

Hey duh. I'm not a doctor, although nearly everyone in my family

works in the surgical, nursing, phych, OR, and ER. I've gained lots of info from

them over my lifetime, alot of info I don't even want, but if something

is seriously wrong with you, don't be an idiot. Go see your primary or set up an

 appointment at the hospital to find a doc who you can call your primary.

 Or call your surgeon, if that's available.

 This info is for getting ideas, not the end-all be-all God's truth.

Sex After Permanent Ileostomy Surgery

Some weeks ago during my check up with my surgeon, I very bluntly asked him when I could expect to engage in being physically intimate again. He said, in his heavilly accented English, "In Sweden--you are done. Healthy. Four weeks. Good. In the United States--they say 6-9 weeks." He shrugged. "Just do what feels comfortable and don't push yourself beyond that."
 During a total colectomy, almost, if not all, of the large intestine is removed. One of the most common complaints from women after the surgery is Dyspareunia, pain when having sex. There's a reason for this.
I hate to have to do this to you, but here's a shake-yo-head nasty diagram of a female pelvic floor.

See? Tiny muscle like a skinny saddle right under all that. This shit is fragile as hell. Fuck, man. After my large intestine resection, I was diagnosed with Pelvic Floor Disorder at Mayo clinic in Minnesota. I went through a week of pysical therapy with probes and leads stuck to my abdomen and everything. I do my Kegals every day (been pretty lazy lately, though). There's a book, Saving the Whole Woman that is pretty useful too for certain exercises and all that. I recommend it, but don't let all the crap  they say freak you out. In the book, the writer is like "no surgeries for anything!" and dude, sometimes, you just gotta have a total colectomy. Or a hysterectomy. Or whatever.

But onto sexy times.
So after waiting a gruelling 4 weeks, I was like "I'm tired of this shit. I'm not bleeding anymore, I've had a shot of 151--we've having sex. NOW." Always after a major surgery, when you ease into normal life again, you gotta take stuff slow and be cautious. I have a very gentle partner anyway, so it works that I'm the agressor and he can slow me down before I hurt myself.
What assists is tilting your vagina so it doesn't hurt when you're first easing back into a sex life.
Here's my shit drawing on Micro Paint to demonstrate.

On a flat surface, lay a small firm pillow under the back of your upper hips/buttocks. This raises the pelvis and makes entery easier, tilting you at such an angle that gravity helps the vagina stretch out a bit more :)
It's not the most exciting position, but it works, and if he wants to grab you and turn you around so you are riding him, that also works too. No, nothing gets jostled loose inside, nor are you going to rip open your stitches and have internal bleeding. Jesus. You're not having sex with a jackhammer, are you?

Anyway, if your doctor recommends a total colectomy, open up a dialogue with them about your concerns about removing the rectum. Because I don't have a degenerative disease like Ulceritive Colitus, I was able to speak with my surgeon about leaving some--I got maybe maybe 30 cms--of my rectum to help support the vagina. Without the rectum there, the vagina tends to collapse downward and certainly with gravity, it begins to make things down there very painful anyway with just moving around, much less trying to engage in sexy times. Like I mentioned, if there's no way around its entire removal, do read the Whole Woman book for what you can do to strengthen yourself, but otherwise, please please speak lucidly to your surgeon and be adament you want to save a bit o' the rectum!

Halloween Costume with an Ileostomy

FUCK YEAH

This is the very hot and marginally talented Nicki Minaj. When her songs come on, my husband cannot stand the her rapping and flies across the room to slap at the radio controls until the "atrocious sound" is silenced. But her hair is always awesome and her clothes are THE CRAZY and her body is hella bangin. Therefore--it's costume time.

My wig is from:
http://www.wigs.com/product_info.php?products_id=4341
And it's fucking awesome.

I double bra-ed, a leopard print and that weird pink print one, a fishnet shirt with a studded black elastic belt over it, a tiny child's sized swimming skirt (initially bought so I could bag-hide if ever I went swimming) over black "booty" shorts, over blue tights, with rainbow socks pulled up mid-thigh over that.

I'm usually pale as a fresh-found river corpse, so I've been applying self-tanner and bronzer like I lived in Orange Country, California. Or anywhere in Minnesota, basically. I don't normally mind being pale as death. It's just how I'm made, so fuck it. Who cares. Yup. You can see the blue veins through my glass-like skin. Whatever. At least I don't have Multiple Sclerosis, you know? More important things in the world, and if people wanna mock me for being corpse-skinned, cool for them. Personally, I could give less a shit. (Funny enough, but Mr B--my husband--well, his mother kept asking him why I was so pale when we first started hanging out together. Her daughter tans, and her own skin is much darker, so I suppose I was a real jolt to the system.)

Me and my Mr B--he's in his foam-latex mask. Took four hours to apply on him--ugh. No shit. He's seriously into Halloween though. The only sad thing about those masks is that they decompose after a couple of uses (and cost a hundred bucks or more a pop so no small deal) and also he had to SHAVE HIS BEARD to put it on. Very sad. I feel like I'm cheating on my husband when I kiss this clean-shaven stranger. Feels OOooooooogley. :(

OK. So here's my bag hidden underneath the tiny skirt thing. I have it cradled in my bag-holder thingy I made--it's never just hanging without support. It just feels too flapping in the wind--like boobs without a bra.

With one finger, I'm holding out my bag inside it's bag holder------->

 I topped it off with my goofy tennis-shoes and Whatev. Went out Saturday night with this ensemble, will also go on Monday with it, as it's actually, for 2011, Halloween on Monday night. Gross night for Halloween, and all we have around here is bars to club at, but whatever. I got molested by ten or twelve guys last night when we went out like this, but it was all good fun. They were just drunk. You just kind of laugh and remove their hand from your pussy and keep walking. No big deal. of course it incensed my husband, but he's a gentle bear, and easy to tame even when he gets angry about me being hassled.

But I know it sucks trying to hide that bag. But with a little trickery of mini-skirts or clothing folds, you really don't remember it's there unless it fills up. Then---then you empty it. And continue on :)

Worse Than Skin Erosion (part 2)

After a lot of hassle, I finally got to see a wound/Ostomy nurse in a nearby town. She took a look at the disgustingness, but just kind of shrugged and said she wouldn't be too worried about it.

After I cleaned my ostomy and the area around it, I put on my ostomy powder------>

Then I ripped open a package of Cavilon No-Sting barrier film and padded that on, as the little sponge within has liquid on it that turns into a film after 30 seconds------------>

The nurse gave me a small square package that had what looked to be a rectangle of wispy cloth within.

 She proceeded to cut a corner from it, laying this "cloth" over my wound. This cloth-thing is Clacium alginate, which Wikipedia defines as "a water-insoluble, gelatinous, cream coloured substance that can be created through the addition of aqueous calcium chloride to aqueous sodium alginate"

I warmed up and stretched out a piece of wax/ strip paste ( I don't know why they call it paste--it's like soft wax) and placed it around the base of my stoma, covering the stitches still bristling out from my skin. The powder helps keep the area dry, then I brush away the extra that fell on my skin, and the barrier film helps keep the area protected and covered.  The tiny pad of Calcium cloth thing help to protect the open area further, and the wax strip stretched down and molded over it helps really protect it all. Then After I've cut my wafer to size, I fit it on over my stoma and press the sticky-ness down so the bag stays secure.
SET TO GO.

    I have to call her at the end of the week to let her know if it's healing, and next Tuesday I see my surgeon again for a checkup. I hope he actually TAKES A LOOK at the ostomy he made. Ugh. I am always very nice and respectful and listening when at a Doctors appointment, but I'm firm about insisting medical help if I think I need it, and I don't give a shit about acting shy describing something. I speak bluntly, I don't beat around the bush, because hey. These people are here to provide a service, for you, one that you and your insurance are paying for. They aren't Gods, even if some act like it. They aren't better than you. You aren't supposed to feel stupid in an office with them.

    You don't have to be a bitch about it, but you must clearly educate yourself about your condition and ask questions. Who cares if they are put-off that you're asking them things? I've had many Urologists irked at me because I was more up to date on state of the art treatments then they were, but this is a very small stupid town I'm currently in. But anyway, if they are tiffed, so what? Oh no, you might step on their toes suggesting a medication or insisting on receiving a mammogram? Fuck it. This is your life. What if you didn't mention something and that turned out to be the thing that could have saved you? That could have eased your condition? Maybe you could have caught the cancer sooner, or been able to get off steroids or whatever. You get what I'm saying. Only you can take charge of your health. You need assistancee, and you must demand it from doctors that otherwise may not go that extra mile for you.

Oh look, another rant. Sowwy. This has nothing to do with skin erosion, but too many times I've experienced personally and seen people demeaned by surgeons and shamed by doctors into thinking their condition was "all in their head" or sped along in the office and hushed up with "Here, just take these pills--I don't have time to get to the bottom of your pain." If half of these doctors had the same conditions and/or chronic pain their patients did, NONE of them would act like this. Unempathetic assholes. Please be strong when speaking to the medical community. Be educated, be firm, and stand your ground. You deserve it.

<3 Tinylittlelifeform

Worse than Skin Erosion

I was in the hospital for five days after the surgery to make my loop ileostomy a permanent ileo and with total colectomy, two of which I spent vomiting my head off at the slightest movement of my eyes with the wonderful drugs I was on.  More than a week later, and I still have yet to be able to eat more than a spoonful of mashed potatoes and actually be able to digest it... My slow transit just became that much slower :(

The worst, besides the immediate pain I had, which by now has mostly gone away, is the weird skin problems I was left with afterwards. I have had skin erosion before, but this....?

I don't even know what this is. I can't even.

Fills you with sunshine, doesn't it? While I was under in surgery, some dim-bulb cunt nurse put my bag on sideways, resulting in leakage of bile fluids into my new stitches, resulting in this monstrosity you see before you.  I need to get to an ostomy nurse or back to my surgeon, but he's Swedish, and he's gone to some foreign Dr's conference for a while, and anyway, according to his offices, he's booked out for months. So great. How do I make this crazy shit heal now? Ugh. Fuck my life.

I'm trying to get into a local ostomy nurse to see what her recommendations are, but I need my primary to give the order for me even to see her, so I have to call his offices tomorrow, and hopefully get him to do it without make an appointment to see me as well, thus drawing all this shit out mooooaaarrrr. GRRRRR.

One kinda good thing is that he cut along my old huge scar, but I'm pissed he needed to open me up that far and wide anyway, as he anticipated it would just be laprascopic. Now the area around my old scar is entirely numb, except for a shooting pain across my belt line. Sometimes I get stabbing pains throughout my pelvic region that cripple me, but I'm still glad the colon is out, although he left a bit (how much has yet to be determined) to support my vagina and other organs so they don't all collapse into a pelvic prolapse and shit. 

UHG. Not feeln' this shit right now. Really not feeln it. :(

Surgery Tomorrow--goodbye large intestine!!!!!!

Tomorrow afternoon my large intestine will be cut from my body using laprascope and, at the end to remove it from my body, a small incision along my larger abdominal scar resulting from previous resection many years ago. It will take 5-7 hours (WHAT. THE. FUUUUCK??!!) And at the end of it all, the surgeon will not let me keep my useless removed organ like they used to let patients keep their appendix. :( It's a gross thought, but I  want to see it, I want to see this demon that has ruined my life until this point, I want to come face-to-face with this thing and see it for what it really is. then I will bury it. I wanted to have a little plot somewhere and actually conduct a small service for it, because as much as it tortured my existence, i know it was trying the best it could, and it struggled through pain.

Like I've stated previously, I'm pretty scared about the recovery, and the catheter in my urethritis urethra. The urethral pain has sent me to the emergency room a few times this year, ever since that UTI that never really went away. After all my surgeries, the urethral pain is still the worst. Although, my hope is that they'll have me doped up after surgery, laying in a hospital bed somewhere with a big smile on my face from the heavenly morphine.
For the urethral pain , I've been on Nuerontin/Gabbapentin--and the only thing it really does is make me sleepy or kind of slow, and it's been like this for the entire year I've been taking it. Oh well. After physical therapy, spinal caudal injections (many many times--super ouch, cry) medicines and warmth, I fear for my future, every day of pain filled frustration.

Anyway, so we are spending the evening packing dry Ramen noodles (for Mr B) and individual packages of oatmeal (for him again) tiny cans of V8--for both of us. I know it will be a few days (at least) in the hospital.
so I've packed what I hope is appropiate for the night.
Mr B is worried about what if they dont leave enough rectal stump and the missing large intestine makes my vagina srop and our sex life severy complicated. I am also worried with my urethra in the state its been.

Ugh. Well, I drank too much gin and I'm feeling mighty sleepy.  My time here it's only 8:30 pm. I'm getting to be old people.
Please, if you pray to anyone or anything, please pray for me tomorrow. Pray for my pain to be non-existant, pray that the surgery goes swiftly and without complications, pray that I heal fast. Oh please send me good vibes. I just need to survive, and knowing that there's soemone out there rooting for me gives me a little more courage.

<3 Tinylittlelifeform