Saturday, July 21, 2012

Is that an inflated ileostomy bag, or are you just happy to see me?

BOTH actually!!

Early morning inflated bag, don't you just love it? I have been stupidly sneaking small sips of delicious Cherry Dr Pepper--I forgot how much I loved that shit--so of course, as any carbonated drink will produce intestinal air, I end up with a puffy little bag.


(POV angle, me in my sleepy-time clothing, with my furry cat friend to the right :P)
Some times, I wake in the middle of the night to find it is like a balloon, so damn stretched out that it appears it could burst with the slightest poke.
(Black bag-holder barely containing my gross-ass shit-spattered bag. Furry friend still to the right, roaming about.)

Look at this. Shit, but I have no shame. Ratty sleepy-time clothing pictures with my damn shorts around my ankles. And I do this for you, Ostomy Curiosity People. All for you. So anyway, this inflation seems to happen more while I'm sleeping, and really inflates whenever I sleep on my back. Why is this?

(I really am disgusting, aren't I?)

We all know that there are certain foods to avoid that create gas. Asparagus, broccoli, cabbage, eggs, fish, little-balls-of-death-Brussels sprouts, cauliflour, onions and garlic. You should really avoid roughage anyway, unless you want a gorram blockage. (Gorram you say? Yes, I've watched Firefly.) Now, funny thing is, I have been purchasing fresh broccoli and chopping it up, then I fill a huge pot 1/4 of the way with water and I place a colander over it, dump the broccoli pieces in the colander, and boil the water with the lid on over all that shit.

(Closest pic I could find, courtesy of Akidscookingchallenge.blogspot.ca)
This is called steaming, and I steam the shit outta that broccoli so it keeps the nutrients in, but is soft enough for me to eat. I have been eating that with cream cheese and a sprinkle of garlic--omg, yum. But I have noticed it really doesn't give me increased intestinal air at all--but maybe I don't eat a ton of it, so it's not a problem.
Now some people have a filter on their bag. This lets the air escape, and also drives away your closest friends and then you're alienated and alone and depressed and contemplating ending it all. Kinda. I tried out the filter bags, and it mimics the glorious experience of having uncontrollable diarrhea farts. Just shoots out everywhere and stinks up everything and you're constantly turning red in the face and apologizing vehemently.
Uhm, no fucking thanks. I'd rather watch my bag for air and just dump it and air it out in the water closet when needed.

Ahhhh. All emptied and the bag lays flat. Like it should. (Narrows eyes threateningly at bag.)
How do you prevent the dreaded shit explosion from an inflated bag? I usually dump my bag before driving, naps, and certainly before sleepy-time at night. And before sex... heh heh (uncomfortable chuckles). How many times you will dump your bag/pouch during the day really varies for how much you eat and what, but is typically like, maybe four or five. Bag size also matters. Larger bags can hold more feces, smaller bags will have you running to the toilet with every little squirt.

So when should you empty a bag? Dude, seriously, empty that shit when it's like a third full. You see that nasty picture of me with my bare legs and underwear showing? Yeah. It wasn't full of feces, but the air puffed it up. When air isn't in the bag, I ALWAYS empty it when it's a third to half-way full. The bag gets heavy, and my bag-holder really helps hold it up so it isn't dragging down on the sticky wafer and you know, ripping it off or something.

But don't sweat it. You can handle a little stinky air.

And check out my FABULOUS nails, OMG.


The pinkie has a little slice of watermelon glued on it, ring finer has an apple slice, middle finger has kiwi and orange slice, first finger has a strawberry. And then, the thumb has a lime slice. FABULOUS! FASHION! GORGEOUS!


8 comments:

  1. My filters don't stink at all! But they also don't let much through. Maybe 10% of the gas?

    My bags fill up more when I'm sleeping, and yes, more on my back. On my stomach, I think there's just not room in the bag, so it stays inside? Not sure.

    I don't notice much extra gas with broccoli, but I do get it with wheat and onions. :( And you're EATING??? YAY!! We should throw a party. Last I heard it was just Ensure and fried Pita bread.

    I had my surgery last week. Even more scars now, and 10 lbs less organs. The sucky thing though-- I found my estrogen pill in my bag today :( So that explains the crazy hot flashes and migraines. Grrr. Gotta work on that. Had a bowel obstruction in the hospital, and all the doctors were fine with me having only 1 TBSP of stuff in the bag after THREE DAYS!! Sooo much pain!! Once it cleared, I barely felt like i had surgery at all-- such a difference!

    ReplyDelete
  2. TEN POUNDS LESS ORGANS!!??? What all did they TAKE, girlfriend??? And those dr's were crazy thinking your obstruction was alright--what assholes! so glad that it cleared up and you are feeling so much better. When I've found pills in my bag, I cut them up or crush them (even tho they say not to) so it actually absorbs and digests when I swallow it!!

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