How to Excuse yourself Politely when your Ileo's burpin up shit

Apparently, I have had a lot of Drafts here I've never posted. So... I suppose that is why I haven't updated in a while. I'm so SMRT that I didn't realize they were going into drafts.
Dar dar dar, I know wrds and hw to type on compooters. :/

Anywoozles,
With trousers, it's often quite easy to mask or hide a bag. An ileostomy bag ain't that big--depending on the brand you're going with. But against your right leg, you are totally aware of that thing and like "Omg--they are totally looking at it right now, freaking out, wondering if it's gonna burst liquid shit on them."

TRUST. Ain't no one care about your bag. They forgot about it the moment you told them. It's interesting, but not THAT interesting.
Unless it fills up with air (like mine does in the morning) or shit, it isn't noticeable at all.
It if starts to get uncomfortable or you think it might be noticeable, you could direct the attention to something else "Ah! I think I have something my eye! Excuse me!" (then run to the Water Closet) or "Pardon--I'm embarrassed to say I have something stuck in my teeth". These are good excuses, and then you can make an elegant exit without making it about "My ileostomy is shitin out lotsa stuff and it's goan go all ova da place if I don get to a terlet".

The worst is in a restaurant.

For years, I avoided eating with people or going out to the point that my in-laws wondered if I had an eating disorder. It wasn't surprising. I mean... I weigh like 3 lbs and look like a hairless baby chick or like Gollum with eyeliner.  But every time I eat, or am just moving around, or am just sitting there... my bag fills up. And my stoma is like a bratty child. I swear to Jeebus it has an incarnation of some spoiled little shit kid who is always plotting and planning, biding its time, being silent when I'm alone, and then as soon as I'm with people:

 

Thanks MacBook Pro Paintbrush. You are a piece of shit and NOTHING as easy to use as Windows Paint >:(

I have found for me this is inevitable. As I have no shame, decorum, delicate elegance and usually make the Britishly self-deprecating jokes regarding myself,  I have found it is much easier to just say at a polite pause in the meal--or at the end of it-- "I have to wash my hands and dump my bag. I'll be right back."

I mean--you got an ileostomy. It's just a part of your life. It's better if someone's head explodes from this announcement than your bag.
Man--I've had that trouble a lot. The exploding bag, I mean.

Many times when I am sleeping, the darn stupid NOT STICKY AT ALL wafer bends and leaks shit all over my blankets, my clothing, and my soul. Yes, my SOUL.
There's no way to act all cute in the morning with your loved one, waking up to Vivadli's Four Season's as you adorably prance out of your room clutching bedsheets covered in brown feces.
:D

It's dehumanizing to sleep on towels or a bed covered in plastic like you are an incontinent 4-year old. 
Just... just no.


I have a very valid concern that my wafer will crack in public, and I will be left with no way to change it, fix it, or escape. It just isn't practical to carry alllll of your ostomy supplies with you wherever you go. A tote-bag is too large to haul around constantly! 
But, even though I have the supposedly "useful" sticky liquid, I have found masking tape around the edges of the wafer do assist in keeping the leaking feces at bay if you are wearing your bag for more than a day or 2.
(For monetary reasons of making them last, I do this quite frequently. I do not recommend it. :/ )

Then again, this is just a personal experience. Most ileostomates I have connected with were able to resume their normal diet after surgery, avoiding the usual suspects of mushrooms and globs of things that would cause a blockage... and their transit time was normal-to-fast, unlike my slow slow slow 8-hour speed. :''(

I am an unusual example.
 Doctors being mystified over my many health problems has long since lost the quirky sort of curiosity one experiences from continuous confused frowns, muttering with other doctors whilst you are still in the room, and the inevitable non-diagnosis of" idiopathic"--which basically means they don't know why and there is no reason for it.

As a last comfort to those newly branded with a rosebud stoma (heh. I named my small intestine stub 'Rosebud'. Orson Welles 1941 Citizen Kane, yall), I have a 40-something Degree and 75 degree curvature of my spine--both upper back and lower. Somehow my body looks normal...normal-ish... but my X-rays make me look like a cool awesome monster being that Marvel Comics should totally make into an evil villain.
For long years, it has been speculated by many that the pinched nerves and messed-up things in my dinosaur spine were causing me problems with my intestines, my nerve-endings in my face and legs, and other problems all across my withered little form.
So lucky you, dude! You probably wont have the horror-story experience I do, but perhaps maybe you can gather a bit of information and hints from these rambles.

At least... I hope it's a bit informative and entertaining.

<3

Is that an inflated ileostomy bag, or are you just happy to see me?

BOTH actually!!

Early morning inflated bag, don't you just love it? I have been stupidly sneaking small sips of delicious Cherry Dr Pepper--I forgot how much I loved that shit--so of course, as any carbonated drink will produce intestinal air, I end up with a puffy little bag.



(POV angle, me in my sleepy-time clothing, with my furry cat friend to the right :P)

Some times, I wake in the middle of the night to find it is like a balloon, so damn stretched out that it appears it could burst with the slightest poke.

(Black bag-holder barely containing my gross-ass shit-spattered bag. Furry friend still to the right, roaming about.)

Look at this. Shit, but I have no shame. Ratty sleepy-time clothing pictures with my damn shorts around my ankles. And I do this for you, Ostomy Curiosity People. All for you. So anyway, this inflation seems to happen more while I'm sleeping, and really inflates whenever I sleep on my back. Why is this?

(I really am disgusting, aren't I?)

We all know that there are certain foods to avoid that create gas. Asparagus, broccoli, cabbage, eggs, fish, little-balls-of-death-Brussels sprouts, cauliflour, onions and garlic. You should really avoid roughage anyway, unless you want a gorram blockage. (Gorram you say? Yes, I've watched Firefly.) Now, funny thing is, I have been purchasing fresh broccoli and chopping it up, then I fill a huge pot 1/4 of the way with water and I place a colander over it, dump the broccoli pieces in the colander, and boil the water with the lid on over all that shit.

(Closest pic I could find, courtesy of Akidscookingchallenge.blogspot.ca)

This is called steaming, and I steam the shit outta that broccoli so it keeps the nutrients in, but is soft enough for me to eat. I have been eating that with cream cheese and a sprinkle of garlic--omg, yum. But I have noticed it really doesn't give me increased intestinal air at all--but maybe I don't eat a ton of it, so it's not a problem.
Now some people have a filter on their bag. This lets the air escape, and also drives away your closest friends and then you're alienated and alone and depressed and contemplating ending it all. Kinda. I tried out the filter bags, and it mimics the glorious experience of having uncontrollable diarrhea farts. Just shoots out everywhere and stinks up everything and you're constantly turning red in the face and apologizing vehemently.
Uhm, no fucking thanks. I'd rather watch my bag for air and just dump it and air it out in the water closet when needed.

Ahhhh. All emptied and the bag lays flat. Like it should. (Narrows eyes threateningly at bag.)
How do you prevent the dreaded shit explosion from an inflated bag? I usually dump my bag before driving, naps, and certainly before sleepy-time at night. And before sex... heh heh (uncomfortable chuckles). How many times you will dump your bag/pouch during the day really varies for how much you eat and what, but is typically like, maybe four or five. Bag size also matters. Larger bags can hold more feces, smaller bags will have you running to the toilet with every little squirt.

So when should you empty a bag? Dude, seriously, empty that shit when it's like a third full. You see that nasty picture of me with my bare legs and underwear showing? Yeah. It wasn't full of feces, but the air puffed it up. When air isn't in the bag, I ALWAYS empty it when it's a third to half-way full. The bag gets heavy, and my bag-holder really helps hold it up so it isn't dragging down on the sticky wafer and you know, ripping it off or something.

But don't sweat it. You can handle a little stinky air.

And check out my FABULOUS nails, OMG.

The pinkie has a little slice of watermelon glued on it, ring finer has an apple slice, middle finger has kiwi and orange slice, first finger has a strawberry. And then, the thumb has a lime slice. FABULOUS! FASHION! GORGEOUS!

Poo on a Plane--& First Days in Canada (Travel advice for ostomates)

We finally hauled all of our life (what we could pack into a few bags) onto a plane and made our way to Canada. This pic is in the airport, waiting near our gate.



Looking out the window as we sat on the runway





Within the tiny TINY plane



On the runway still...

The plane does this thing where the engines start and everyone gets really excited, adrenaline rushing, thinking we are going to take off. Not so. It's just got indigestion. About half an hour later we finally start to move a little bit--YAY!! But then we don't really go anywhere. Another case of blue-balls.

FINALLY FINALLY the plane starts taxi-ing down the runway and the roar of the engines is rumbling through your entire body, and your chest hums with the sound of the jets as it begins to lift off the ground.

For me, there's always this moment of terror/pleasure, like being on a roller-coaster as it's climbing to the ascent, just before the drop.



View of cities from the window



Okay. Here's where things get serious. How the hell do you empty your bag on an airplane?  I've heard so many horror stories of this situation, and now I "got" to try it out for myself.

First of all, whenver you travel, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE SUPPLIES HANDY. Not packed away in an overhead thing, but in your purse or carry-on, something that you shove under your seat or have handy, like with you if you are in a car. And this goes for riding in a plane or car-- DON'T lay that seatbelt over your stoma. it seems unavoidable, but here's what I do. I Ball up an item of light clothing and place it over my stoma, and the seatbelt rides a little higher then. And DON'T wear tight-ass clothing, like waistbands that will press against your little stoma, okay?

 My bag didn't fill up with air--first of all. Too many people don't understand that ordering soda on a plane will--duh--give you gas. Get the juice. Get water. Don't compromise your health or comfort, man.
But eventually, anyway, the bag does fill up. Now I'm used to larger planes, but even the larger ones have tiny water-closets/bathrooms, much like this miny nightmare we flew on.
While I was feverishly battling an on-going urinary-tract infection, (my 6th or 7nth of the year, as my bladder and kidney's are basically shot through with some kind of germ that no amount of antibiotics or urinary specialist can kill) I made my way to the toilets to try out how emptying my bag would work. And I took pictures of course, because I love you guys that much.

This is the tiny-ass toilet I wedged into. Not pleasant.



WTF

WARNING!!! BLURRY BUT GRUESOME FILLED-BAG PHOTO AHEAD! TURN BACK NOW IF EASILY OFFENDED!!
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..
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To actually empty my bag was a Cirque-de-Soleil twisting crouching affair. I rolled up my skirt and crouched before the shit-basin and angled my pelvis as far in toward the poop-suction tub as I could physically go. I haven't practiced my yoga since I got really ill, so it's been a year or so and I'm not as limber anymore. 

 I squeezed out the contents like it was a pastry bag (hadn't had enough fluids, so it gets like that) and with a lot of tissue paper, swabbed-out the spout and cleaned everything that I could.

It's not really that big of a deal, trying to do your business and clean it up on a plane, just requires a few more minutes and some finesse.

Now onto our first days in Vancouver.



Buildings!



More buildings!





My pwetty husband and buildings!



Me before the entrance to China Town where I bought most of our groceries



Waiting for subway, looking out at lit buildings...

Ahh! Subway's here! (Actually they call it the Skytrain)



 Vancouver is really expensive compared to MN. But this subway here? Skytrain...whatever. it totally reminded me of Tokyo~! The platforms and the signs... I think that's why I kinda love this place so much. So so many Chinese and Korean and Vietnamese and Japanese (and Indian too) are all over the place. I can buy the foods I want, and go to stores we like and hear the languages I love.
Instead of snow, it rains, but it's so crazy that in the dead of winter back in MN, here there is no snow, but green (albeit wet) grass and leaves on the bushes. So strange and wonderful. I'm not star-struck though, our place where we're living is waaay too expensive and it's falling apart (feels like a bad hotel); and we have to walk many km's to get anywhere, take buses, then walk some more; no jobs, yet hemorrhaging money on this rent and life expenses; and of course I have a raging infection and terrible crippling pain to deal with.

So yeah. This wasn't really a funny post, but it's an update, and maybe if someone sees they can pour their crap out into a plane toilet with no trouble, they'll have a bit more confidence taking a flight.
OH I ALMOST FORGOT!!!
Going through customs with my ostomy supplies was no trouble at all. One lady questioned my ostomy powder as a liquid, but I opened it and poured some powder into my hand to demonstrate. I even got through with a doctors order to carry Ensure with me!! Just remember to be patient and kind with these people, they are doing a stupid job where they're on their feet all day, and they're just people too. Be nice and kindly explain things to them, and they'll get kind of embarrassed for being gruff. But you shouldn't have any problem, just leave the ostomy scissors in your checked luggage :)